Conflict resolution: resolving conflicts in five steps

01What is conflict resolution?

Conflict resolution means working on a dispute deliberately instead of just putting up with it or pushing it aside. At its core, it is about making opposing interests, needs or expectations visible and finding a way of dealing with them that everyone involved can live with. That is different from avoiding conflict, where nobody raises the issue.

Conflicts often arise from different goals, roles, values or scarce resources: in a team over responsibilities, in a family over chores, between neighbours over noise or boundaries. Often a hurt feeling comes on top, or a pattern of conversation that has got stuck. What makes a conflict and how it escalates is explained on the conflict overview.

Resolving a conflict does not mean that everyone wants the same thing in the end. Sometimes the result is a clear rule, a boundary that has been stated, or a provisional way of getting along that both sides can live with. That is a solution too, as long as it no longer strains the relationship.

How groups and organisations deal with conflicts in a planned and lasting way is the subject of the page on conflict management.

02How do you resolve a conflict in five steps?

A dispute rarely resolves in a single conversation. A calm order helps more: first distance, then understanding, then the question of what it is really about, and only after that the search for a solution. The five steps below follow this sequence.

They assume that both sides can still talk to each other and feel safe. If threats or violence are involved, a conversation between the two of you is not the right setting; the section on help from outside covers that.

1. 01

   Create distance and de-escalate

   Goal

   Both sides can be reached again.

   How

   Interrupt the conversation when it gets loud, hurtful or stuck, and agree on a time to continue. The break is not avoidance; it keeps you from saying something in anger that makes the dispute worse. The de-escalation techniques show more.

   What it can sound like"I notice we are both getting loud. Let us talk again calmly tomorrow after breakfast."

2. 02

   Hear each side

   Goal

   Each side feels understood before anyone looks for solutions.

   How

   Each person describes what happened and how they experienced it, and the other lets them finish. Whoever is listening sums up what they heard in their own words and asks back. Understanding does not mean agreeing.

   What it can sound like"Did I understand you correctly that what annoyed you most was that I did not let you know?"

3. 03

   Clarify interests instead of positions

   Goal

   It becomes visible what matters to both at the core.

   How

   A position is a demand, such as "You have to do this differently from now on". Behind it are interests, meaning needs, worries or goals. Ask yourself and the other side: what is this really about for me, and which worry lies behind my demand?

   What it can sound like"This is not about being right. I just need agreements I can rely on."

4. 04

   Collect and weigh solutions

   Goal

   Several options are on the table, and you choose one together.

   How

   First collect ideas without rejecting them straight away. Then check together which one is fair, workable and understandable for both. A standard you both agree on makes the choice easier than a trial of strength.

   What it can sound like"Let us first write down three options and then see which one works for both of us."

5. 05

   Agree and check back

   Goal

   The solution holds in everyday life.

   How

   Write down specifically who does what by when, and agree on a short meeting to see whether it works. There you can adjust what does not hold without reopening the whole dispute.

   What it can sound like"Let us try this for two weeks and then sit down together again for ten minutes."

03Which method fits when?

Not every method fits every situation. Three questions decide: how entrenched is the dispute, how strong are the feelings, and can those involved still talk to each other directly? For early, everyday tensions, simple tools such as I-messages and active listening are often enough.

Where hurt feelings and recurring misunderstandings are at stake, Nonviolent Communication works with needs and requests. For factual negotiations about money, time or responsibilities, the Harvard method separates interests from positions. When those involved cannot get any further on their own, a neutral third person helps.

• You want to raise something without attackingI-messagesDescribes what a behaviour does to you instead of judging the other person.
• The other person does not feel understoodActive listeningShows that their view has come across before solutions are discussed.
• Hurt feelings lie behind the accusationNonviolent CommunicationLeads from observation through feeling and need to a concrete request.
• You are negotiating about something like money, time or rulesThe Harvard methodSeparates people from problems and looks for solutions by fair criteria.
• The situation is heated and about to tip overDe-escalationBrings calm and distance first, before anything is negotiated.
• Children or young people are arguing, for example at schoolPeer mediation in schoolsTrained peers guide the conversation by fixed rules.
• You cannot get further alone and need a neutral personMediationAn impartial third person guides the process and decides nothing.

04When do you need help from outside?

Not every dispute can be settled among those involved. Help from outside makes sense when conversations keep breaking off, the conflict noticeably weighs on everyday life, or one side no longer feels safe. With threats or violence, protection comes before clarification: get help, in an emergency from the police on 110.

The phase model of the conflict researcher Friedrich Glasl offers orientation. In the first phase, stages one to three, self-help or help from people close by is possible. In the second phase, Glasl considers outside support, such as a facilitator, to be useful. From a certain stage in the third phase, the model holds that the conflict can no longer be resolved without outside help, up to arbitration or an intervention by those with power.

A common form of help is mediation. The German Mediation Act describes it as a confidential and structured procedure in which the parties seek an amicable settlement voluntarily and on their own responsibility. For conflicts at work, managers, the HR department or the works council can also help, for legal questions a lawyer.