Resolving disputes

Active listening

Listen, ask, give it back in your own words: a simple method that can turn an exchange of blows back into a conversation

Key points at a glance

Active listening means giving the other person your full attention without already preparing your reply.
It has three components: following what is said, understanding the message, mirroring the emotional content.
Carl Rogers described it for conversation in psychotherapy.
In an argument it complements the I-message: one for listening, the other for speaking.

In numbers

components

follow what is said, understand the message, reflect the feeling

core attitudes after Rogers

empathy, acceptance, genuineness

1957

essay “Active Listening”

by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson

What active listening sounds likeAfter the LearningCenter of Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences

Sentences and gestures

A nod or a “Mhm.” shows that you are following.
“Do I understand you correctly that …?” checks whether the point came across.
“That sounds as if it really annoyed you.” mirrors the mood.
“I am taking notes so I do not lose anything.” fits when decisions follow from the conversation.
A short pause before your answer keeps you with the other person.

What carries listening and what disturbs itAfter Carl Rogers and Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences

What carries it

Empathy: understanding the other person’s world as they experience it.
Regard: accepting the person even if you do not share their behaviour.
Genuineness: what you say matches what you think.
Honest interest and setting your own assumptions aside.

What disturbs it

Interpreting what is said too quickly.
Selectively hearing only what you expect.
Cutting in with comments.
Already preparing your own answer while the other person speaks.

Origin: Described by Carl Rogers in client-centred counselling, made widely known by Thomas Gordon among others
Where it is used: Any conversation in which understanding matters, from the family to peer mediation
What it takes: Usable at once; it becomes sure only with practice
Third party: No third person needed, one side can begin
Author: Johannes Max Harms

Two young men sit on a bench in the snow, one talking with his hands, the other listening with a smile — One talks, the other listens: a conversation on a park bench in Scranton in the winter of 2016.Photo by Anna Vander Stel, 2016, public domain (CC0), Wikimedia Commons

What is active listening?

Active listening is a way of conducting a conversation in which the listener gives full attention to the other person and gives back what they have understood in their own words. It is not about waiting in silence until it is your turn, but about following what is said, understanding its message and noticing the feeling within it. Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences describes three components: actively following what is said, actively understanding the message and reflecting its emotional content. Whoever listens in this way shows the other that they have been heard and at the same time checks whether they have understood correctly.

The method goes back to the American psychologist Carl Rogers, the founder of client-centred counselling. In his approach to psychotherapy the therapist does not interpret and gives no advice; the client is meant to find clarity themselves, supported by somebody who listens closely. Rogers and Richard Farson used the term active listening in 1957 in an essay of that name, which described listening beyond therapy, for the world of work. Later Thomas Gordon made the method known to a wide public through courses and books for parents and teachers.

Behind the technique lies an attitude. Rogers named three core attitudes for a helpful conversation: empathy in the sense of understanding from within, unconditional positive regard and genuineness, which he also called congruence. Without this attitude, active listening easily becomes a technique that the other person sees through. With it, it becomes a form of respect that shows itself in single sentences. Whoever listens in order to understand need not approve of every word, but takes the other seriously as a person.

Today active listening counts as a basic tool in many fields: in counselling, between doctors and patients, in coaching and in education. It is also part of other approaches to working with conflict. In peer mediation at schools it is among the first things learned, and nonviolent communication directs the same close listening towards feelings and needs. In everyday life it is simply what separates a conversation from an exchange of blows.

How does active listening work in a conversation?

In a conversation, active listening works through four means: showing attention, asking, paraphrasing and naming feelings. It begins with the body, with a posture turned towards the other person, eye contact, a nod and short sounds such as “mhm” or “I see”. Such signals do not interrupt; they only show that somebody is following. Whoever looks at their phone instead, or is already preparing their own answer, sends the opposite, even without meaning to.

Paraphrasing means giving back what you heard in your own words, briefly and without judgement. An example: somebody explains at length that nobody in the team keeps to what was agreed and the work ends up with them. A paraphrase would be: “You have the impression that you have to sort out what others leave undone.” If it is right, the speaker feels understood; if it is wrong, they correct it, and that too moves the conversation on.

The next step leads from content to feeling. The aim is to put the mood that resonates in a statement carefully into words, for instance with the sentence “That sounds as if it annoyed you quite a lot.” Such a response is phrased as an offer, not as a diagnosis. It leaves the other free to accept it, refine it or reject it. Even a feeling that misses the mark often helps, because the other now describes more precisely what is moving them.

Open questions and summaries complete the picture. Open questions begin with how, what or what for and invite the other to go on, instead of asking only for a yes or no. A summary at a suitable point, for instance with “Do I understand you correctly that …?”, secures a shared understanding before the conversation moves on. What is left out matters just as much: no advice, no judgement and no story of your own while the other is still speaking.

When does active listening fit?

Active listening fits whenever somebody wants to talk about something that is on their mind, and whenever a misunderstanding would cost more than the time needed to listen closely. That applies to a conversation between friends as much as to a staff appraisal or a consultation. It helps most at the start of a dispute, when both sides still feel that they have not been heard. Whoever feels understood has no need to get louder.

In conflicts it is often the first step before solutions can be discussed at all. As long as somebody believes their view has not got through, they will repeat it instead of engaging with proposals. A successful paraphrase ends this loop because it shows that the message has arrived. It does not imply agreement: understanding does not mean conceding the point.

That is why active listening belongs to the craft of mediating procedures. In peer mediation at schools, according to the German Federal Agency for Civic Education, it stands at the beginning of the training, together with a confident manner, recognising moods and responding to feelings. The peer mediator agrees with the parties that each will listen to the other without interrupting or insulting them. In mediation between adults, too, this kind of listening carries the procedure.

It also fits where nobody suspects a conflict: in study groups, in clubs, in the neighbourhood and in the family. Here the point is less to settle a dispute than to understand, and that alone can forestall many a dispute. Nonviolent communication starts at the same place but listens specifically for the feelings and needs behind a statement. The two approaches complement each other, because one trains attention and the other offers a language for what has been heard.

Where are the limits of active listening?

The first limit is attitude: active listening only works when the interest is real. Whoever reels off paraphrases as a technique soon sounds mechanical, and the other person notices that they are being handled rather than heard. A sentence such as “I hear that you are angry” can then come across as a lecture. The method presupposes what it is meant to show: honest interest and the willingness to engage with the other.

The second limit is the role. Active listening does not replace a decision, advice or a boundary when these are needed. Whoever carries responsibility in a conversation, as a teacher or a manager for instance, must at some point also say what applies. And whoever is strongly affected themselves often cannot listen in the way the method requires; then a third person who is not a party tends to help more.

The third limit lies where a conversation is no longer safe. In the face of threats, violence or persistent contempt, listening protects nobody, and nobody is obliged to meet such a counterpart with understanding. In an emotional crisis, too, active listening can be a first support but does not replace qualified counselling or therapy. In such situations protection comes before understanding, and it is right to end a conversation and seek support.

Finally, listening alone does not settle a conflict of interests. It makes visible what both sides care about, and that is a great deal, but the question of who gets or does what remains open. That needs a negotiation afterwards, an agreement or a procedure such as peer mediation, which looks for solutions and records them in writing. Active listening is a beginning, not a complete procedure. It creates the ground on which the other steps can hold.

How do you start with active listening?

You can start with a single conversation a day in which you first summarise what you heard before giving your own answer. One sentence is enough: “If I understand you correctly, what matters to you is …” This small pause often changes the tone already, because it takes the speed out. What matters is to ask afterwards whether the summary is right, and to take the answer seriously.

A simple exercise for two people: one talks for three minutes about something that is on their mind, the other only listens and paraphrases at the end. Then the speaker says what was captured and what was missing, and the roles are swapped. The exercise quickly shows how often you are already thinking of your own answer while listening. It is exactly this habit that loosens with some practice.

A second exercise focuses on feelings. After a conversation, note briefly which mood resonated in the other person, and check whether it came up in the conversation. Next time you can venture a careful sentence, such as “That sounds as if you were disappointed.” If you are unsure, phrase it as a question. Over time the eye for such undertones grows sharper, and the sentences come less hesitantly.

And drop one habit: the first impulse to advise, to console or to talk about yourself. It is well meant, but it steers the conversation away from the other person. Whoever asks an open question instead gives the other room to think further for themselves. Nothing more is needed to begin; the rest comes with practice. In professional conversations from which decisions follow, brief notes also help you stay with the matter.

Active listening: ten examplesTen everyday situations, each with a typical reply and a reply that listens

The core

Understanding does not mean agreeing. Whoever feels heard no longer needs to repeat their view, and only then is there room for an answer.

Sources

All methods

The steps

Follow attentivelySit facing the other person, keep eye contact, put the phone away. Short signals such as a nod or an “mhm” show that somebody is following without interrupting. Your own answer waits until the other has finished.
Ask open questionsQuestions beginning with how, what or what for invite the other to go on, instead of asking for a yes or no. They show interest and clear up what is still unclear. Questions that already suggest an answer do not belong here.
ParaphraseGive back what you heard in your own words, briefly and without judgement. If the paraphrase is right, the other feels understood; if it is wrong, they correct it. Both move the conversation on.
Name feelings and summarisePut the mood behind a statement carefully into words, as an offer and not as a verdict. At the end comes a summary with the question of whether both have understood the same thing.

Frequently asked questions about active listening

What are the three core attitudes according to Carl Rogers?

Rogers named empathy, acceptance and genuineness. Empathy means understanding the other person’s world the way they experience it. Acceptance means taking the person as they are, even if you do not share their behaviour. Genuineness means that what you say matches what you think and feel. These attitudes come before any technique. Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences puts the precondition like this: honest interest and the willingness to engage with the other person and set your own assumptions aside.

What is the difference between paraphrasing and reflecting feelings?

Paraphrasing gives back the content, reflecting gives back the feeling. When you paraphrase, you sum up in your own words what you have understood, for example with “Do I understand you correctly that …?”. This checks whether the point has come across. When you reflect, you name the mood that resonates: “That sounds as if it annoyed you.” Both are offers, not diagnoses. The other person can confirm, correct or reject them, and that is exactly what makes the conversation more precise.

What are the most common mistakes when listening?

Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences names three typical ones: interpreting what is said too quickly, selectively hearing only what you expect, and cutting in with comments. Added to this is mentally preparing your own contribution while the other person is still talking. This often happens not out of lack of interest but because attention is hard to steer. What gets lost is the content, non-verbal signals and the mood. Knowing this helps you hold back on purpose, for example with a pause before your own reply.

Does it help to take notes while listening?

Often, yes. According to Osnabrück University of Applied Sciences, notes help you stay mentally on track, and they signal to the other person that what they say matters. They do not fit every situation; in a personal argument between friends they quickly feel distant. They are most useful in conversations that lead to decisions, such as a team meeting or a talk with parents. A short sentence beforehand, “I am writing this down so nothing gets lost”, takes the suspicion away from the notepad.

What does active listening have to do with I-messages?

Both come from the same school. Thomas Gordon worked with Carl Rogers and brought both tools together in his family training. Active listening helps when the other person has a problem and often only expresses it in coded form, for example as a reproach or an outburst. The I-message helps when you yourself have a problem with the other person’s behaviour. In an argument the two alternate: you say what bothers you, and then you listen actively when the other person answers.

From a procedure to a mission of your own

Every one of these methods was developed by people who had a dispute in front of them and wanted to handle it differently. The same stance is what it takes on a small scale: in a neighbourhood, a school, a club.

Find your peace mission